Mindfulness

Mindfulness.

It is truly miraculous when you realize all that is happening. So much is occurring at every single moment that our senses are continually overwhelmed, unable to process the multitudes of stimuli they are continuously encountering. It is such a small portion of the universe that we are able to perceive, yet when we immerse ourselves fully in the moment devote our entire concentration to recognizing what is going on around us, we are amazed with the truly remarkable reality that we are in. For it is impossible to be in today’s society without ever getting caught up in “the stuff”—our worries, fears, anxieties, hopes, ideas… yesterday’s memories, tomorrow’s ambitions… how do we release ourselves from this? We enter slowly and easily into the breath, flowing in and out of us like a cool mountain stream, and we realize we are always in communion with our thoughts, we simply may not have been aware. So much is to be loved, so much is to be embraced… it is time to get out of the black hole you are so often in and for once experience the world around you, like you did as a child so long ago.

These last two days were very difficult. I went on a retreat this past weekend in which all of the ASC guys from all the different schools got together (14 of us) and came back to ourselves in the relaxing environment of Green Hills in St. Louis. We discussed all that has happened, shared stories, had personal time for reflection, and just chilled with cigars and good tunes. It was an incredible time that gave me a great step back from all that I have been experiencing, allowing me to put it all in perspective and see through a pure lens the blessings I have day in and day out. We came back on Sunday and I mistakenly allowed the idea to form that all will be different upon returning and I will have a greater appreciation than ever of the situation I am in. I got back to Rockhurst, and immediately I realized I was very wrong. All was the exact same, nothing changed. I went to school Monday and found myself thrust right back into the routine I had gotten out of. I felt overwhelmed. I had various negative experiences throughout the day, such as a Father of a student of mind coming down on my for some of my methods, various teachers annoyingly implying that I had something to do with the juniors who smoked pot on the recent Junior Retreat I was a part of, a very squirrely and annoying final class, and a good friend among the faculty, an older man, look at me like I was crazy and tell me I’m giving off “weird vibes” and refusing to communicate about it as I tried to. I went home in a strange mood. I was not depressed, for these situations cannot determine my happiness or unhappiness, but I found myself having a very difficult time facing the reality of my situation, realizing that I am in one place and will be for still quite some time. For my desire is to be on the move, to travel… and I was put face to face with a reality that now is not the time for movement.

And after school, I checked my mailbox and found a book that I ordered called The Miracle of Mindfulness: A Manual on Meditation by the Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh. I began to read it and found that all his words spoke so clearly to my situation, reminding me that as I allow myself to be caught up in situations that are not present, I remove myself from the miracle of all that is happening. The goal is not to feel blissfully and overwhelmingly happy at all moments… the goal is merely to accept and embrace all moments, even the moments of pain or displeasure. For these moments are just as fundamental to our reality as the moments of bliss. We must not fight unpleasant feelings. We must simply acknowledge their existence, recognize them as a dynamic and irreplaceable aspect of our reality, and move into the moment. For the breath is always there, and we must continuously return to its warm embrace.

I woke up this morning in a similar state of being underwhelmed. I felt trapped, like I needed more, like I need to get out. A strange feeling that is difficult to begin a day with. To top it off, I had not yet planned my lesson and had about an hour to do so. I began to reflect and think about what I could do for the day. I could whip up a last minute powerpoint about the formation of the Church and how Catholicism came to be. But this seemed so underwhelming. Neither I nor the students would get something out of this… it’d be another series of facts that go in one ear and out the other, mere words for the students to memorize. So I decided to enter into the flow of the day, put my ideas and my ego aside, and lead my classes in meditation. There is always a fear in doing so, a fear that I will be judged, for I truly have to be myself and get a bit “weird” in order to be entirely authentic… I have to let all my pride go and allow the words to flow from a source outside myself, or at least outside my consciousness. I decided to hell with it, let’s just go for it. I put my nervousness aside and led 3 different classes of 20-26 boys in a 40 minute meditation (I was subbing one class and decided to do it there as well.) It was one of the best days of the year. I now sit here at the end of the day, about to go tutor kids in English, feeling a sense of calmness and presence I rarely feel at the end of busy days. It allowed me to realize the futility of the desires I felt and the fears I encountered over the last 2 days, and it allowed me to realize that I have been wrapped up in thoughts rather than remaining in control. After each class, multiple students came over to thank me, asking if we could meditate more often, and informing me that it was one of the best classes so far. They responded so well, following all the words I put out there, approaching it with a seriousness that can be difficult to find in Freshmen, and truly embracing the moment. After we meditated we discussed all we felt, and they truly showed awareness in their words. One student even said that when he was focusing on one point and breathing deeply, he saw the room vibrating and swaying, gaining a deeper glimpse into illusory reality, a very common experience once one gets deeper into meditation. Truly fantastic. Of course the other kids responded with “What are you smokin’ Tommy?? I think you’re on something!” but I informed them this is quite common and that Buddhist thought maintains that once one has such experiences, on is closer than ever to Enlightenment.

I have come to realize more than ever how futile doubts and fears are. They cannot hold you back. Only you can hold yourself back by allowing them to control you. You are always in control. Come to your breath when you are in doubt; nothing can take control of you. Nothing can stop the endless flow of this miraculous reality all around you. Now is the time. The time to be mindful. The time to become aware.

Meditations and Experiences

Some amazing things have happened lately. If only a blog entry could communicate all I've experienced. These kids I am teaching have reached me in a way I never thought possible, they have touched my very soul without even trying. The laughs and smiles of the cross country guys, the way they joke around, the way they run up to me with big smiles on their faces when I arrive at practice, the humanity revealed through them. I had a Sophomore on the team come up to me the other day during school and tell me his friend died the night before from an ATV accident. The kid telling me is an extremely goofy kid, so loving, but always wanting to pull pranks and mess around. As he told me, I saw a film of tears well up in his eyes, tears of confusion and grief, for he had no idea how to react. I sat there and stared through open eyes and told him I'm here for him in any way, words that are empty in such circumstances for what could be said to eradicate such grief? It was such an honest and touching moment, and I will always remember it.
The cross country guys had State this past weekend. They got 5th, the best Rockhurst has ever done, and our #1 guy won the race. Incredible. He was ecstatic after, overwhelmed with emotion, and his emotion became everyones. He was giving hugs all around to the dozens of guys that came out to support him and within a flood of tears. At some point in the ecstasy, he came over to me and put his arms around me, laying his head on my shoulder, crying heavy tears of joy. I hugged him back and he did not let go. Such authentic giving, not afraid of anything. It was a moment powerful beyond words, like he was telling me I actually have done something for his life. I felt tears come to my own eyes.
Too many more amazing moments to count. Walking down the hallways I'm always greeted with goofy smiles of guys on the team or guys from class or guys I have subbed for, always wanting to slap hands or exchange silly moments. They are rejuvenating. These kids fuel me with a new energy, and they have no idea they are doing it. So many laughs throughout the day. The other day I asked my class if they had ever heard of Sigmund Freud, and a guy raised his hand and asked "Didn't he get eaten by tigers?" I corrected him saying "No, that is Sigfried and Roy, but close." So many unexpected and amazing moments.

Switching gears. I've been meditating a lot lately. Deepening the ole consciousness. The other day I tried something new. I call it "Meditative Typing." I got on the ground in the half lotus posture and put my typewriter in front of me. I meditated and as insights came, I wrote them down as best I could. The emphasis was on the meditation but the words were coming and asking to be recorded. So I wrote down my meditation experience. I thought I'd share it with you all, if anyone is still reading this.

meditative discourses


i took the liberty of jumping a foot further into this great unknown region we have come to know as 'the world.' all of these phenomena are coming at me in such delightful fashions, appearing and convulsing like waves of a tireless sea, no longer seen in such a firm 'concreteness' as we so often know them. more like images, small illusions, just like those great zen masters of the age informed us. i stare at this wooden beam before me and the designs upon it become passageways to a more 'ethereal' form. the earth grants visions of the universe and i see that we are here together floating in a cosmic unity with no real conclusions about the true nature of all that is. we are a speck in  space, a small point on the great radar screen, and we are always floating, always moving, always flying. why can we no longer see this? what are we missing? the pain in my legs becomes the external reality as a thin beam of light casts itself out expanding to the right and to the left out of sight and pulsating in perfect rhythmic harmony with the sudden jolting pains coursing through my numb legs bent up and tangled in the old lotus position. shadows on the wall become the spokesmen of the other side and move with each breath until they too begin to float with the rhythm. and all the while i felt like i was on the brink of something great, the gleaming truth beyond all the illusions, waiting to present itself to me, the pertinent road warrior of the modern age, running down the road ahead with the gusto of the angels-- excitement fuels my body and excites my spirit in momentary bursts until the illusions overcome once more and send me back down to my relative and insignificant space in the universe. but wait! a vibrating light! coming from the objects in motion right before my eyes! is it speaking to me? how do i follow it? and at last i come to the edge of where the known meets the unknown, the great meeting place of the simple and mundane with the vast beyond, and the hand of the other side stretches forth and reaches its fingers within my skin and grabs tightly upon my soul and pulls with might until it expands into the world beyond and my vision becomes greater as i look over a tireless and vast sea right before my eyes. the material becomes immaterial and i feel my mind twirling and swirling and dancing in union with these o so strange changes before my eyes. i follow this kind invitation until i am transported out of myself and feel for a moment what life is like without a body, yet all the while my body pulsates with enlivening excitement. and just as i feel most alive and most blissful i am thrust back within my body to see the concrete world of experience all around me, the 'normal' way of perceiving the world under the terrible and sad veil of ideas and convictions, closing me off from what i just witnessed.


So that's that. See ya!