dark tunnel of light

Hey there. I just finished a new song today that I put a lot of time and energy into. It isn't an easy, passerby listening song... it's one you really have to listen to in order to get it. But check it out if your interested, and I hope you enjoy it!

Bandcamp

Hello.

One of my favorite students from Rockhurst told me about a website called Bandcamp (no, not like in American Pie) in which you can upload all your music for all to listen. Many prominent artists, including Sufjan Stevens, are big proponents of it. As some of you may know, I have been writing a lot of music over the last year, and have nearly finished an album worth of songs. I am calling the album "Ascent." I figured that the best way to get the music out there, at least for now, is to put it up on the website. I'm still finishing the recordings, so a lot of the songs still have a bunch of time before they go up, but I am satisfied with a handful of them.
I have uploaded one song to Bandcamp, and I want to share it with you all. It's the goofiest song I've ever written. It is called "Another Day." The main instrument is a ukulele, and I add sounds at various times by either banging on various objects on my desk or making strange noises. I think it came out pretty funny and happy. I hope you enjoy- please feel free to send it around, make any comments you want, and even download it to listen to it whenever by going to my bandcamp site, which is seanlawlor.bandcamp.com. And if you are interested, I will be updating Bandcamp regularly with new stuff as it becomes ready, so keep on checking!

Much love amigos!

a response to Justin's question

 (if anyone is reading this, it is a response to the question that Justin put as a comment after my last entry, so read his questions to get the context of what I'm saying.)

All right Justin. I’ve been pondering your questions, and I think I came up with my answer. It’s too long to put in a comment, so I just decided to make a new post out of it. It is also possibly repetitive, but I was working it out in my head as I wrote it, so bear with it.

    My thoughts expressed in the blog entry rest on a dualism between the mind/spirit and the body. Both are intrinsically connected, but the body has far more limitations than the spirit. So they are in connection, yet entirely distinct. It is worth nothing that even though many see these entities as in endless conflict with one another, this needn’t be the case. We may see the body as a vehicle for spiritual liberation, ultimate awareness, that can come far more readily from having a healthy, well-functioning body.
    The type of awareness I describe is awareness of the fullness of reality, beyond our many illusions/sentiments that bar us from such a realization (illusions of separateness, indulgence in anger or lust, etc)--basically, awareness of the universe in its pure form. I put forth the idea in the blog entry that this awareness, when achieved, is carried through death into unity with the vast energy field that is the universe. This unity can only come if we first realize our unity with the cosmos here on earth.
    Your question regards the physical/bodily deterioration of old age that may cause one to lose awareness of such a reality, such unity. Referring back to the dualism between spirit and body, the deterioration of old age is, at its base, physical, and resulting from the inevitable connection between these two entities, spiritual as well. What happens is that awareness is lost because the limited body prevents it from occurring. Yet the spiritual position that one has achieve remains the same, for as the spirit is distinct from the body, it cannot be lowered because of the body’s limitations.
    So the spirit is still at the level of enlightenment in reality, but the physical deterioration of the impermanent matter that is our bodies no longer allows one to recognize the spirit’s elevated status. In death, when physical limitations are no more, the spirit becomes the entire reality, and biological deterioration can no longer prevent its awareness of the fullness of reality, and thus its entry into unity with it. So what I maintain is that there is an absolute hierarchy of spiritual levels we ascend, and though awareness of one’s position in those levels happens in life and will yield much joy and zeal for life, that awareness is not a necessary aspect of one’s position in the hierarchy--one can be at the top of the mountain and, because of physical debilitations, have no idea that he is there. This lack of awareness does not change the fact of his position.
    I believe that one way we can learn about our position amidst these levels is through our dreams. Thus, it is perfectly imaginable that a spiritual man who is losing his memory to Alzheimer’s will still dream of higher matters, for in the dream, he is face to face with his spiritual position. Likewise, in the dream, he may even have a certain awareness of this position, even if it does not carry over into his waking life.
    One way that we can think of these debilitating conditions of old age is as severing ones physical, material connection with the world, the necessary process of attaining spiritual freedom that is fusion with the cosmos. Though these people appear to be suffering and losing their mind, they are really juts completing the process of life and death and moving beyond all physical limitations into a mode of existence that is entirely spiritual.

Just some more ideas on the matter, which I’m sure spawn a thousand more questions. Let me know what you think. Thanks for giving some direction to my thoughts mate!

a reflection on the afterlife

The other day, I watched Clint Eastwood's most recent film Hereafter starring none other than Matt Damon with my roommates and found it fascinating and entralling. The film asks big questions about where we are going and gives few, if any, answers. My thoughts were running wild after, so I sat in my bed and wrote.  Please do not evaluate it in terms of logical consistency/coherency... rather, see it as a collection of ideas grouped together. Take something from it if you like, if not, nothing I can do. Here is what came out:

It is a fascinating enterprise to ponder the afterlife. What is coming? Anything at all? It is truly amazing how so many take the issue so lightly and are so firm in their response. It is one thing to have faith, it is another thing to be narrow-minded.

Sure, it is fruitless to spend too much time speculating—you won’t figure it out, for we are here, not there. And when people have ‘glimpses’ or ‘visions’ of ‘another world,’ how can we know that this world is the world beyond death to which we are heading? We cannot, plain and simple. It would be a far from humble estimation of human ability to think ourselves capable of seeing the next life, if such a thing exists.

Spending a lifetime speculating will remove one from the life we are in the midst of. We must see what is happening. Maybe if we find a way to direct all our attention and energies toward our experience of this world, we will become closer to understanding what may be next, or at least what we ought to do to prepare for it.

My own personal belief, with very little backing other than various spiritualities and rational (or at least quasi-rational) speculation is that the universe is an infinitely vast field of energy, and in death, we become fused with that energy, that is, if we are able to cultivate such a state in this world that allows us to fuse. To elaborate. Right now, and at all moments, this energy field gives rise to consciousness, entirely unique at every moment. In life, we have experiences in which we glimpse it, see its reality around us. We have seen it to such an extent to realize that glimpsing it is connected to openness (an open mind) and vice versa. The nature of this energy field seems to be, at its purest, peace, joy, and tranquility, even in the midst of pain. Therefore, when one’s mind is not at peace, when worries, fears, ideas, and opinions pull one away from tranquility, one cannot recognize the energy field of life present all around.

In death, it is my belief that we have the opportunity to become one with this field, allowing it to become us, no longer bound by limits of mind, body, and world. But if we are to do so, we must cultivate a recognition of the tranquil energy field of life while alive. If we are to see death as the continuation of consciousness into a purer form, we must also see life as such a progression as well, a preparation for the blinding light of purity awaiting. If one reaches the point of death while battling severe worries and fears and anxieties, one will never be able to see the calmness of the energy field on has been invited into, for those fears and anxieties will carry over and become the reality. One will become trapped, possibly never able to escape… for we certainly should not count on the possibility of future lives—this life is our shot, take it or leave it. It is my belief that this notion of being ‘trapped’ amidst fears and worries is what hell must be… the ‘fires’ and ‘demons’ are simply metaphors for these psychological conditions that may become an inescapable reality.

Yet when we are able to perceive the tranquil energy field of life, not consumed by those states which pull us from it (i.e. indulgence in the seven deadly sins, self-loathing), we will be able to, at the point of death, realize that we are becoming part of this great field, not fearing, but smiling. A freedom we cannot comprehend. The Tibetan Book of the Dead is geared toward preparing the soul/consciousness for this moment, that it may be able to transcend these negative energies and achieve purity and freedom.

This is all speculation. And at the core of this optimistic speculation is a look toward this life, here, as you read these words, as you draw your current breath. For only if we experience the limitlessness and freedom of the energy surrounding us can we enter into unity with it after death. Otherwise, we will not even recognize it standing around us, knocking at our door.

I believe drugs/intoxicants can offer a glimpse, but they are not the answer. They can show one one’s true capabilities, but the cultivation of those capabilities is up to the person him/herself. And in the cultivation lies the responsibility. Without cultivating the ability to recognize the pure calmness of the moment and opting to turn to the easy fix with the use of drugs, one will never attain the mental strength necessary to push past barriers by an act of will and open up to the energy field, for such opening requires strength, self-knowledge, confidence, and discipline, four things drugs often take away. The intoxicants may show a new direction, but one must walk that direction and face the obstacles alongside the path. One who turns to drugs has begun to cling to the tranquil state of unity, and at death, this desperate clinging without the aid of such substances will cause one to slowly slip away until this energy is out of reach, out of sight, and one is confronted by all of one’s inner demons with no easy fix to turn to. No way out.

To meditate on the inner demons… to float through them with them and in them… that is true knowledge, true wisdom, the soul prepared for the challenge and opportunity of death.

New spontaneous random thoughts as I sit in my bed and think

Where have I been? You may ask this, and I don’t blame you. I have been terrible at keeping up with this “blog.” And why? I love to write, so it shouldn’t be a problem! Well, as it turns out, I love to write by hand, and I see writing on the computer as a task.  But I’m doing it now, I just meditated, and I’m in a good, positive state of mind, so let’s go.

I’ve been many places lately. I have gone on 3 retreats in the past 3 weeks and will be going on another in 2 days. I went on a Kairos retreat, something I have not experienced since I was a senior in high school, and I saw students open up to themselves at such a profound and vulnerable level that I was brought continuously to tears. True magnificence shone through these brave seniors as they put all their deepest secrets on the line in front of everyone, and I saw inspiration in their struggles.

I have been playing a lot of guitar. I dig it. Oh ya, I’m giving lessons now too. For the first time in my life. Two days a week. Just started on Monday. It’s an awesome challenge, and I am seeing my role as “teacher” expand as I attempt to communicate what playing the guitar is all about. It is crazy to watch someone who has never picked up a guitar struggle to hold basic chords, and I see myself in him as I try my best to show him the way.

I’ve also been tutoring students in English. I am helping a foreign exchange student from Italy in grammar and essay writing. He has a positive attitude about learning that is rare in American students, and it is a breath of fresh air to see such an enthusiastic young gent.

I applied to eight grad schools for creative writing. I still have not heard back. I am nervous, and also very apprehensive… but excited all the while. Who knows what will happen… it’d be sweet to do writing though, I must say.

This week in my class has been epic. Amazing discussions. I teach one class in a room that can only be described as a dungeon. It is very difficult to teach in such a place and keep the attention of freshmen with a naturally limited attention span, for they feel trapped. Our conversations are usually offly constrained. Well, it was a nice day outside, so I decided that we’ll move class outside. They were stoked. We went outside and sat in a circle and had the best discussion I have had with students in my experience as a teacher. Our topic was the “stream of consciousness” and how our thoughts flow on like a river, always changing, always moving, often out of our control. I explained to them how we can never experience the same state of mind two times and that each moment brings a perspective that is entirely fresh. They were completely on board and expanded my metaphors. One student said “Imagine a stream. You see a lily pad go by floating on the stream. You watch it go, and you remember it. But it moves on, and you can’t get it back. But it stuck out from the rest, so you remember it.” He was making the point that some ideas in our ongoing stream of thought grab our attention like this lily pad, and we find significance in them and remember them. But if we are to hold on to them and cling desperately, we will inevitably suffer, for we are trying to make a dam in the river’s flow. The idea is good, the idea is illuminating, but the stream of thought flows on further, and who is to say what incredible places it may lead to.

I’ve been reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead. It is the Tibetan Buddhist sacred text that prepares the living soul for the “intermediate state” immediately following death in which the soul encounters all of the illusions of reality (Buddhist don’t use the word “soul”, but in our Western mentality, it allows us to make a close enough connection to their far more abstract language describing our inner essence.) Well, most souls are not prepared for death, and in this intermediate state, they encounter negative illusions brought forth by all of the anxieties and pains they have clung to their entire lives. They are sucked back down the vortex in their fear and anger and birthed back into the ongoing cycle of karma, trapped in samsara, reincarnated in our cyclic existence. What the Tibetan Book of the Dead attempts to do is prepare the soul for this intermediate state so that it may transcend beyond the negative illusions trying to bring it down and finally be liberated into union with the meditational deities living in the realm beyond. I figure it’s a good thing to try out.

I gotta say, this year has been great. I’ve learned so much about myself and other people. I’ve connected to High School students in a way I could have never imagined. There is too much to tell… I wish I could find a way to share it all with you. Lately, so many students keep asking me if I’m staying, hoping that I am. It is flattering to hear from them. They are so honest… they tell me that they want me to stay and that they like having me around. My freshmen tell me that they love my class. Today, we were talking about the “muse,” the ancient sources of artistic inspiration, and since I had my guitar in class, I told the class that it was time to summon the muse. I told them to lay down a beat, and a kid started beat-boxing a cool rhythm. I felt the rhythm and started jamming in Bminor blues, spontaneously, randomly. More kids started to get into it. By the time the jam session was coming to a close, most of the kids in class were contributing something to the rhythm, whether it was pounding on desks, making noises, or just moving and flowing with it. We ended and everyone cheered. There was a connection we cultivated that is none other than God’s presence so often unseen. So fun… so fun.

Nine days before spring break. I’m going to San Diego. Hooray!

Inspiration is all around us guys. It is spontaneous, and it takes an effort, a willingness, and openness. You all have it, you just gotta find it in you. I’ve got my ways of finding it, but those aren’t your ways. Life is not about closing off opportunities; it is about freeing them, opening up to them, embracing them. Yes, each moment is an infinite series of opportunities… and each moment is far too magnificent and important to pass them up. Don’t waste away your life, now is not the time for that… now is the time to embrace it all and drink it in. Find your passion! Go get some!

Mindfulness

Mindfulness.

It is truly miraculous when you realize all that is happening. So much is occurring at every single moment that our senses are continually overwhelmed, unable to process the multitudes of stimuli they are continuously encountering. It is such a small portion of the universe that we are able to perceive, yet when we immerse ourselves fully in the moment devote our entire concentration to recognizing what is going on around us, we are amazed with the truly remarkable reality that we are in. For it is impossible to be in today’s society without ever getting caught up in “the stuff”—our worries, fears, anxieties, hopes, ideas… yesterday’s memories, tomorrow’s ambitions… how do we release ourselves from this? We enter slowly and easily into the breath, flowing in and out of us like a cool mountain stream, and we realize we are always in communion with our thoughts, we simply may not have been aware. So much is to be loved, so much is to be embraced… it is time to get out of the black hole you are so often in and for once experience the world around you, like you did as a child so long ago.

These last two days were very difficult. I went on a retreat this past weekend in which all of the ASC guys from all the different schools got together (14 of us) and came back to ourselves in the relaxing environment of Green Hills in St. Louis. We discussed all that has happened, shared stories, had personal time for reflection, and just chilled with cigars and good tunes. It was an incredible time that gave me a great step back from all that I have been experiencing, allowing me to put it all in perspective and see through a pure lens the blessings I have day in and day out. We came back on Sunday and I mistakenly allowed the idea to form that all will be different upon returning and I will have a greater appreciation than ever of the situation I am in. I got back to Rockhurst, and immediately I realized I was very wrong. All was the exact same, nothing changed. I went to school Monday and found myself thrust right back into the routine I had gotten out of. I felt overwhelmed. I had various negative experiences throughout the day, such as a Father of a student of mind coming down on my for some of my methods, various teachers annoyingly implying that I had something to do with the juniors who smoked pot on the recent Junior Retreat I was a part of, a very squirrely and annoying final class, and a good friend among the faculty, an older man, look at me like I was crazy and tell me I’m giving off “weird vibes” and refusing to communicate about it as I tried to. I went home in a strange mood. I was not depressed, for these situations cannot determine my happiness or unhappiness, but I found myself having a very difficult time facing the reality of my situation, realizing that I am in one place and will be for still quite some time. For my desire is to be on the move, to travel… and I was put face to face with a reality that now is not the time for movement.

And after school, I checked my mailbox and found a book that I ordered called The Miracle of Mindfulness: A Manual on Meditation by the Vietnamese Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh. I began to read it and found that all his words spoke so clearly to my situation, reminding me that as I allow myself to be caught up in situations that are not present, I remove myself from the miracle of all that is happening. The goal is not to feel blissfully and overwhelmingly happy at all moments… the goal is merely to accept and embrace all moments, even the moments of pain or displeasure. For these moments are just as fundamental to our reality as the moments of bliss. We must not fight unpleasant feelings. We must simply acknowledge their existence, recognize them as a dynamic and irreplaceable aspect of our reality, and move into the moment. For the breath is always there, and we must continuously return to its warm embrace.

I woke up this morning in a similar state of being underwhelmed. I felt trapped, like I needed more, like I need to get out. A strange feeling that is difficult to begin a day with. To top it off, I had not yet planned my lesson and had about an hour to do so. I began to reflect and think about what I could do for the day. I could whip up a last minute powerpoint about the formation of the Church and how Catholicism came to be. But this seemed so underwhelming. Neither I nor the students would get something out of this… it’d be another series of facts that go in one ear and out the other, mere words for the students to memorize. So I decided to enter into the flow of the day, put my ideas and my ego aside, and lead my classes in meditation. There is always a fear in doing so, a fear that I will be judged, for I truly have to be myself and get a bit “weird” in order to be entirely authentic… I have to let all my pride go and allow the words to flow from a source outside myself, or at least outside my consciousness. I decided to hell with it, let’s just go for it. I put my nervousness aside and led 3 different classes of 20-26 boys in a 40 minute meditation (I was subbing one class and decided to do it there as well.) It was one of the best days of the year. I now sit here at the end of the day, about to go tutor kids in English, feeling a sense of calmness and presence I rarely feel at the end of busy days. It allowed me to realize the futility of the desires I felt and the fears I encountered over the last 2 days, and it allowed me to realize that I have been wrapped up in thoughts rather than remaining in control. After each class, multiple students came over to thank me, asking if we could meditate more often, and informing me that it was one of the best classes so far. They responded so well, following all the words I put out there, approaching it with a seriousness that can be difficult to find in Freshmen, and truly embracing the moment. After we meditated we discussed all we felt, and they truly showed awareness in their words. One student even said that when he was focusing on one point and breathing deeply, he saw the room vibrating and swaying, gaining a deeper glimpse into illusory reality, a very common experience once one gets deeper into meditation. Truly fantastic. Of course the other kids responded with “What are you smokin’ Tommy?? I think you’re on something!” but I informed them this is quite common and that Buddhist thought maintains that once one has such experiences, on is closer than ever to Enlightenment.

I have come to realize more than ever how futile doubts and fears are. They cannot hold you back. Only you can hold yourself back by allowing them to control you. You are always in control. Come to your breath when you are in doubt; nothing can take control of you. Nothing can stop the endless flow of this miraculous reality all around you. Now is the time. The time to be mindful. The time to become aware.

Meditations and Experiences

Some amazing things have happened lately. If only a blog entry could communicate all I've experienced. These kids I am teaching have reached me in a way I never thought possible, they have touched my very soul without even trying. The laughs and smiles of the cross country guys, the way they joke around, the way they run up to me with big smiles on their faces when I arrive at practice, the humanity revealed through them. I had a Sophomore on the team come up to me the other day during school and tell me his friend died the night before from an ATV accident. The kid telling me is an extremely goofy kid, so loving, but always wanting to pull pranks and mess around. As he told me, I saw a film of tears well up in his eyes, tears of confusion and grief, for he had no idea how to react. I sat there and stared through open eyes and told him I'm here for him in any way, words that are empty in such circumstances for what could be said to eradicate such grief? It was such an honest and touching moment, and I will always remember it.
The cross country guys had State this past weekend. They got 5th, the best Rockhurst has ever done, and our #1 guy won the race. Incredible. He was ecstatic after, overwhelmed with emotion, and his emotion became everyones. He was giving hugs all around to the dozens of guys that came out to support him and within a flood of tears. At some point in the ecstasy, he came over to me and put his arms around me, laying his head on my shoulder, crying heavy tears of joy. I hugged him back and he did not let go. Such authentic giving, not afraid of anything. It was a moment powerful beyond words, like he was telling me I actually have done something for his life. I felt tears come to my own eyes.
Too many more amazing moments to count. Walking down the hallways I'm always greeted with goofy smiles of guys on the team or guys from class or guys I have subbed for, always wanting to slap hands or exchange silly moments. They are rejuvenating. These kids fuel me with a new energy, and they have no idea they are doing it. So many laughs throughout the day. The other day I asked my class if they had ever heard of Sigmund Freud, and a guy raised his hand and asked "Didn't he get eaten by tigers?" I corrected him saying "No, that is Sigfried and Roy, but close." So many unexpected and amazing moments.

Switching gears. I've been meditating a lot lately. Deepening the ole consciousness. The other day I tried something new. I call it "Meditative Typing." I got on the ground in the half lotus posture and put my typewriter in front of me. I meditated and as insights came, I wrote them down as best I could. The emphasis was on the meditation but the words were coming and asking to be recorded. So I wrote down my meditation experience. I thought I'd share it with you all, if anyone is still reading this.

meditative discourses


i took the liberty of jumping a foot further into this great unknown region we have come to know as 'the world.' all of these phenomena are coming at me in such delightful fashions, appearing and convulsing like waves of a tireless sea, no longer seen in such a firm 'concreteness' as we so often know them. more like images, small illusions, just like those great zen masters of the age informed us. i stare at this wooden beam before me and the designs upon it become passageways to a more 'ethereal' form. the earth grants visions of the universe and i see that we are here together floating in a cosmic unity with no real conclusions about the true nature of all that is. we are a speck in  space, a small point on the great radar screen, and we are always floating, always moving, always flying. why can we no longer see this? what are we missing? the pain in my legs becomes the external reality as a thin beam of light casts itself out expanding to the right and to the left out of sight and pulsating in perfect rhythmic harmony with the sudden jolting pains coursing through my numb legs bent up and tangled in the old lotus position. shadows on the wall become the spokesmen of the other side and move with each breath until they too begin to float with the rhythm. and all the while i felt like i was on the brink of something great, the gleaming truth beyond all the illusions, waiting to present itself to me, the pertinent road warrior of the modern age, running down the road ahead with the gusto of the angels-- excitement fuels my body and excites my spirit in momentary bursts until the illusions overcome once more and send me back down to my relative and insignificant space in the universe. but wait! a vibrating light! coming from the objects in motion right before my eyes! is it speaking to me? how do i follow it? and at last i come to the edge of where the known meets the unknown, the great meeting place of the simple and mundane with the vast beyond, and the hand of the other side stretches forth and reaches its fingers within my skin and grabs tightly upon my soul and pulls with might until it expands into the world beyond and my vision becomes greater as i look over a tireless and vast sea right before my eyes. the material becomes immaterial and i feel my mind twirling and swirling and dancing in union with these o so strange changes before my eyes. i follow this kind invitation until i am transported out of myself and feel for a moment what life is like without a body, yet all the while my body pulsates with enlivening excitement. and just as i feel most alive and most blissful i am thrust back within my body to see the concrete world of experience all around me, the 'normal' way of perceiving the world under the terrible and sad veil of ideas and convictions, closing me off from what i just witnessed.


So that's that. See ya!