Pushing the limits of your being!!

As you may know, I broke my left kneecap on July 23rd. Ever since, my life has largely been confined to a couch or chair inside my house. I wrote this reflection after seeing Cowboys and Aliens with my older brother, Mike, last week. This discourse was not inspired by the movie, but rather by my getting out of the house after being cooped up for over two weeks.

Here is the idea. I have reflected many times in the past about the important role the body plays in our plight to become all we can be, to attain our greatest potential. I have accepted such ideas so as not to become consumed by the idea that the body is a burden, something holding us back. Rather, the body is a vehicle, our greatest tool toward discovering all we can about ourselves and about the world. We are spiritual beings within bodies, and we are not trapped as so many outdated religions and ideologies attempt to make us believe; rather, we are as free as we are willing to make ourselves, able to roam the world at the best of our physical abilities, and granted the blessing of being able to continually push the limits, drive further, and become stronger, more fit, more able.

Photo courtesy of the great pusher of human limits, Rob Garwitz.
Taken roughly an hour after the accident.

As I reflected about this topic in the past, I saw the issue through a very thin lens—I was healthy, active, and had never sustained an injury preventing me from exercising or moving around easily. Therefore, I excluded many people from my discourse, preferring only to speak of those who have strong working limbs and possess the ability to make them stronger. I often tended to ignore anyone else as ‘weak’ and/or ‘submissive.’ Among those I excluded were the handicapped, and as it turns out, I am currently in a handicapped state, my left leg entirely unusable, deteriorating further each day.

So, now that I am here, do I have no choice but to fall? Do I no longer possess the ability to push my body’s limits, become stronger, more able, and freer? My lazy behavior over the last two weeks since the injury would easily suggest that I no longer possess this ability, that I’m destined to fall, but an insight granted unto me tonight assured me otherwise. Biologically, my body is still as active as it was before the injury—I have simply been choosing to allow it to grow weaker. But it is not dead!

Here is how I understand the issue—each of us has very set limitations at each moment. It is the nature of being human. Think of it in terms of the following image: the human is a circle in the center of a box… all of us are. Though the box can be mistaken for a cage, it need not be so. The human is a dynamic organism in the center of its limitations with unlimited potential for growth. The limitations around us—the edges of the box—though very real, are also dynamic, in motion. Some examples of limitations—cardiovascular limits (how you grow too tired to carry on while running and ‘reach your body’s limit’), intellectual limits (the finite amount you are able to grasp intellectually at a given moment). These two examples, as you very well know, are very dynamic. Continue running and you will be able to run further and faster—your cardiovascular limits expand… continue reading and studying and you will be able to understand complex arguments better—your intellectual limits expand. As these limits expand, your space within the new limitations expands as well (the box surrounding you widens), and you grow to fill that empty space.

It is important to note that the human is connected to the limitations—the circle is connected to the box, not independent of it. Thus, the human possesses the ability to push the limits, slowly but surely. That which exists beyond the limits is infinite space, and that which exists beyond the infinite space (ungraspable by reason) is true freedom—there is no limit to how far the limits of the human can be stretched, and thus no limit to human growth potential. All finite limits are self-imposed, illusory by nature.

Unfortunately, these limits can have the reverse effect to what has just been described, and sadly, the reverse effect is far more common this day and age. The ‘reverse effect’ occurs when the limits actually move inward, when they decrease the space the human occupies and causes it to shrink, to weaken. This occurs when one forgets that one is connected to one’s limits and possesses the innate ability to push those limits. As the limits move inward, the effects are disastrous—one becomes lazy with no concern for one’s body or one’s health, preferring not to think about betterment in the future but instead concerning oneself with instantaneous pleasures, satisfying cravings. One no longer has the space to possess self-esteem, for the limits of one’s being have closed in and are suffocating the person. Resulting, one becomes more apt to depression and addiction to false forms of happiness, for true happiness awaits in the space beyond one’s limits. Drugs and alcohol may temporarily remind these people of what life beyond their limits is like, yet they will always come back down, and their addiction further blinds them from the fact that within themselves is the ability to push their limits and grow stronger—they have the power, they hold the key. But it is the tendency of those who suffer from the ‘reverse effect’ to submit, to give up and become just another number, a mere sheep amidst the flock.

Is it ever too late to change the limits’ direction of motion? I cannot know, but I do not believe it is. I was pushing stronger than ever before, moving outward into that infinite space at a rapid rate, and then my injury struck, and since, I have been allowing my limitations to move inward, to suffocate me to the point at which I have begun to prefer great laziness to any attempt at pushing my now more limited abilities, convincing myself that the rest is speeding up my recovery. I just accepted that this is my situation, that I must sit here in this chair or on this couch all day… no other option.

Tonight, when Mike helped me get out, I realized that this is not true. Breaking my knee changed a lot, and I need to recognize those changes. For what the event changed is the location of my limitations. I had grown used to my limits before the accident, very aware of how much my body could handle, but post-accident, the new limits have become entirely foreign to me. Thus, I have allowed them to move in. But in reality, I have not really attempted to find them. I’ve moved around a bit, but when I do, I just think about getting back to my chair. No longer will this be my mentality.

Sure, I cannot do much of what I did before. I cannot go out and run. I cannot go to the gym. But I can go outside on my crutches and crutch around until I’m exhausted. Some speed work, maybe. Yes, then I will see where my limits are. And it is true—knowing oneself is knowing one’s limits. That’s why knowing yourself is a moment-to-moment challenge—cause your limits are always changing!

So I can push my new limits, I simply must be creative in finding a way to do so. Therefore, become stronger, pushing yourself toward greater freedom through the use of the vehicle that is our body, does not exclude the handicapped. The handicapped, rather, must find a way to move around the excuses that are so easy to fall under and push themselves physically in any way they can. Then, they push their own limits, open up more space for growth, and move closer to recognizing freedom. Limits are entirely relative, and the self-aware person understands his or her own limits, not matter the facts of one’s situation.

One may say that the idea of the human being possessing the ability to push its limits to no end is a dangerous idea, an idea sure to fill one with hubris. On the contrary, I see it as a humble practice, for one can only grow and move forward if one first recognizes how limited one truly is and how much exists beyond one’s self (that is to say one’s limitations, for one’s limits are equivalent to the borders of the self).

It must be known that a life of pushing the limits is not an easy life. Out there, in the infinite space, lies much pain and suffering. You will make mistakes, overestimate your limits, and fall, just as I have experienced. Yes, you will find much pain, but in the pain, you will discover a very important truth: that there is no greater fuel for pushing the limits than pain itself. Back to our cardio example—you cannot and will not get in better shape unless you push the limits of your ability, and you cannot and will not push those limits unless you feel pain. The pain telling you to stop, to submit, to give in. But you must listen to your self, noble and wise, calmly telling you to endure, to push through the pain, and therefore propel yourself closer to true freedom. It is an ongoing, all-inclusive process, but one that must be taken seriously, for it is Life itself. Life, true Life, as we have forgotten it to be, exists out there in the open space, and all pain is worth enduring in order to find it. 

Forty Days and Forty Nights

A new song! With Biblically inspired lyrics. Hope you enjoy! And please leave your comments/thoughts, whether positive or negative!

dark tunnel of light

Hey there. I just finished a new song today that I put a lot of time and energy into. It isn't an easy, passerby listening song... it's one you really have to listen to in order to get it. But check it out if your interested, and I hope you enjoy it!

Bandcamp

Hello.

One of my favorite students from Rockhurst told me about a website called Bandcamp (no, not like in American Pie) in which you can upload all your music for all to listen. Many prominent artists, including Sufjan Stevens, are big proponents of it. As some of you may know, I have been writing a lot of music over the last year, and have nearly finished an album worth of songs. I am calling the album "Ascent." I figured that the best way to get the music out there, at least for now, is to put it up on the website. I'm still finishing the recordings, so a lot of the songs still have a bunch of time before they go up, but I am satisfied with a handful of them.
I have uploaded one song to Bandcamp, and I want to share it with you all. It's the goofiest song I've ever written. It is called "Another Day." The main instrument is a ukulele, and I add sounds at various times by either banging on various objects on my desk or making strange noises. I think it came out pretty funny and happy. I hope you enjoy- please feel free to send it around, make any comments you want, and even download it to listen to it whenever by going to my bandcamp site, which is seanlawlor.bandcamp.com. And if you are interested, I will be updating Bandcamp regularly with new stuff as it becomes ready, so keep on checking!

Much love amigos!

a response to Justin's question

 (if anyone is reading this, it is a response to the question that Justin put as a comment after my last entry, so read his questions to get the context of what I'm saying.)

All right Justin. I’ve been pondering your questions, and I think I came up with my answer. It’s too long to put in a comment, so I just decided to make a new post out of it. It is also possibly repetitive, but I was working it out in my head as I wrote it, so bear with it.

    My thoughts expressed in the blog entry rest on a dualism between the mind/spirit and the body. Both are intrinsically connected, but the body has far more limitations than the spirit. So they are in connection, yet entirely distinct. It is worth nothing that even though many see these entities as in endless conflict with one another, this needn’t be the case. We may see the body as a vehicle for spiritual liberation, ultimate awareness, that can come far more readily from having a healthy, well-functioning body.
    The type of awareness I describe is awareness of the fullness of reality, beyond our many illusions/sentiments that bar us from such a realization (illusions of separateness, indulgence in anger or lust, etc)--basically, awareness of the universe in its pure form. I put forth the idea in the blog entry that this awareness, when achieved, is carried through death into unity with the vast energy field that is the universe. This unity can only come if we first realize our unity with the cosmos here on earth.
    Your question regards the physical/bodily deterioration of old age that may cause one to lose awareness of such a reality, such unity. Referring back to the dualism between spirit and body, the deterioration of old age is, at its base, physical, and resulting from the inevitable connection between these two entities, spiritual as well. What happens is that awareness is lost because the limited body prevents it from occurring. Yet the spiritual position that one has achieve remains the same, for as the spirit is distinct from the body, it cannot be lowered because of the body’s limitations.
    So the spirit is still at the level of enlightenment in reality, but the physical deterioration of the impermanent matter that is our bodies no longer allows one to recognize the spirit’s elevated status. In death, when physical limitations are no more, the spirit becomes the entire reality, and biological deterioration can no longer prevent its awareness of the fullness of reality, and thus its entry into unity with it. So what I maintain is that there is an absolute hierarchy of spiritual levels we ascend, and though awareness of one’s position in those levels happens in life and will yield much joy and zeal for life, that awareness is not a necessary aspect of one’s position in the hierarchy--one can be at the top of the mountain and, because of physical debilitations, have no idea that he is there. This lack of awareness does not change the fact of his position.
    I believe that one way we can learn about our position amidst these levels is through our dreams. Thus, it is perfectly imaginable that a spiritual man who is losing his memory to Alzheimer’s will still dream of higher matters, for in the dream, he is face to face with his spiritual position. Likewise, in the dream, he may even have a certain awareness of this position, even if it does not carry over into his waking life.
    One way that we can think of these debilitating conditions of old age is as severing ones physical, material connection with the world, the necessary process of attaining spiritual freedom that is fusion with the cosmos. Though these people appear to be suffering and losing their mind, they are really juts completing the process of life and death and moving beyond all physical limitations into a mode of existence that is entirely spiritual.

Just some more ideas on the matter, which I’m sure spawn a thousand more questions. Let me know what you think. Thanks for giving some direction to my thoughts mate!

a reflection on the afterlife

The other day, I watched Clint Eastwood's most recent film Hereafter starring none other than Matt Damon with my roommates and found it fascinating and entralling. The film asks big questions about where we are going and gives few, if any, answers. My thoughts were running wild after, so I sat in my bed and wrote.  Please do not evaluate it in terms of logical consistency/coherency... rather, see it as a collection of ideas grouped together. Take something from it if you like, if not, nothing I can do. Here is what came out:

It is a fascinating enterprise to ponder the afterlife. What is coming? Anything at all? It is truly amazing how so many take the issue so lightly and are so firm in their response. It is one thing to have faith, it is another thing to be narrow-minded.

Sure, it is fruitless to spend too much time speculating—you won’t figure it out, for we are here, not there. And when people have ‘glimpses’ or ‘visions’ of ‘another world,’ how can we know that this world is the world beyond death to which we are heading? We cannot, plain and simple. It would be a far from humble estimation of human ability to think ourselves capable of seeing the next life, if such a thing exists.

Spending a lifetime speculating will remove one from the life we are in the midst of. We must see what is happening. Maybe if we find a way to direct all our attention and energies toward our experience of this world, we will become closer to understanding what may be next, or at least what we ought to do to prepare for it.

My own personal belief, with very little backing other than various spiritualities and rational (or at least quasi-rational) speculation is that the universe is an infinitely vast field of energy, and in death, we become fused with that energy, that is, if we are able to cultivate such a state in this world that allows us to fuse. To elaborate. Right now, and at all moments, this energy field gives rise to consciousness, entirely unique at every moment. In life, we have experiences in which we glimpse it, see its reality around us. We have seen it to such an extent to realize that glimpsing it is connected to openness (an open mind) and vice versa. The nature of this energy field seems to be, at its purest, peace, joy, and tranquility, even in the midst of pain. Therefore, when one’s mind is not at peace, when worries, fears, ideas, and opinions pull one away from tranquility, one cannot recognize the energy field of life present all around.

In death, it is my belief that we have the opportunity to become one with this field, allowing it to become us, no longer bound by limits of mind, body, and world. But if we are to do so, we must cultivate a recognition of the tranquil energy field of life while alive. If we are to see death as the continuation of consciousness into a purer form, we must also see life as such a progression as well, a preparation for the blinding light of purity awaiting. If one reaches the point of death while battling severe worries and fears and anxieties, one will never be able to see the calmness of the energy field on has been invited into, for those fears and anxieties will carry over and become the reality. One will become trapped, possibly never able to escape… for we certainly should not count on the possibility of future lives—this life is our shot, take it or leave it. It is my belief that this notion of being ‘trapped’ amidst fears and worries is what hell must be… the ‘fires’ and ‘demons’ are simply metaphors for these psychological conditions that may become an inescapable reality.

Yet when we are able to perceive the tranquil energy field of life, not consumed by those states which pull us from it (i.e. indulgence in the seven deadly sins, self-loathing), we will be able to, at the point of death, realize that we are becoming part of this great field, not fearing, but smiling. A freedom we cannot comprehend. The Tibetan Book of the Dead is geared toward preparing the soul/consciousness for this moment, that it may be able to transcend these negative energies and achieve purity and freedom.

This is all speculation. And at the core of this optimistic speculation is a look toward this life, here, as you read these words, as you draw your current breath. For only if we experience the limitlessness and freedom of the energy surrounding us can we enter into unity with it after death. Otherwise, we will not even recognize it standing around us, knocking at our door.

I believe drugs/intoxicants can offer a glimpse, but they are not the answer. They can show one one’s true capabilities, but the cultivation of those capabilities is up to the person him/herself. And in the cultivation lies the responsibility. Without cultivating the ability to recognize the pure calmness of the moment and opting to turn to the easy fix with the use of drugs, one will never attain the mental strength necessary to push past barriers by an act of will and open up to the energy field, for such opening requires strength, self-knowledge, confidence, and discipline, four things drugs often take away. The intoxicants may show a new direction, but one must walk that direction and face the obstacles alongside the path. One who turns to drugs has begun to cling to the tranquil state of unity, and at death, this desperate clinging without the aid of such substances will cause one to slowly slip away until this energy is out of reach, out of sight, and one is confronted by all of one’s inner demons with no easy fix to turn to. No way out.

To meditate on the inner demons… to float through them with them and in them… that is true knowledge, true wisdom, the soul prepared for the challenge and opportunity of death.

New spontaneous random thoughts as I sit in my bed and think

Where have I been? You may ask this, and I don’t blame you. I have been terrible at keeping up with this “blog.” And why? I love to write, so it shouldn’t be a problem! Well, as it turns out, I love to write by hand, and I see writing on the computer as a task.  But I’m doing it now, I just meditated, and I’m in a good, positive state of mind, so let’s go.

I’ve been many places lately. I have gone on 3 retreats in the past 3 weeks and will be going on another in 2 days. I went on a Kairos retreat, something I have not experienced since I was a senior in high school, and I saw students open up to themselves at such a profound and vulnerable level that I was brought continuously to tears. True magnificence shone through these brave seniors as they put all their deepest secrets on the line in front of everyone, and I saw inspiration in their struggles.

I have been playing a lot of guitar. I dig it. Oh ya, I’m giving lessons now too. For the first time in my life. Two days a week. Just started on Monday. It’s an awesome challenge, and I am seeing my role as “teacher” expand as I attempt to communicate what playing the guitar is all about. It is crazy to watch someone who has never picked up a guitar struggle to hold basic chords, and I see myself in him as I try my best to show him the way.

I’ve also been tutoring students in English. I am helping a foreign exchange student from Italy in grammar and essay writing. He has a positive attitude about learning that is rare in American students, and it is a breath of fresh air to see such an enthusiastic young gent.

I applied to eight grad schools for creative writing. I still have not heard back. I am nervous, and also very apprehensive… but excited all the while. Who knows what will happen… it’d be sweet to do writing though, I must say.

This week in my class has been epic. Amazing discussions. I teach one class in a room that can only be described as a dungeon. It is very difficult to teach in such a place and keep the attention of freshmen with a naturally limited attention span, for they feel trapped. Our conversations are usually offly constrained. Well, it was a nice day outside, so I decided that we’ll move class outside. They were stoked. We went outside and sat in a circle and had the best discussion I have had with students in my experience as a teacher. Our topic was the “stream of consciousness” and how our thoughts flow on like a river, always changing, always moving, often out of our control. I explained to them how we can never experience the same state of mind two times and that each moment brings a perspective that is entirely fresh. They were completely on board and expanded my metaphors. One student said “Imagine a stream. You see a lily pad go by floating on the stream. You watch it go, and you remember it. But it moves on, and you can’t get it back. But it stuck out from the rest, so you remember it.” He was making the point that some ideas in our ongoing stream of thought grab our attention like this lily pad, and we find significance in them and remember them. But if we are to hold on to them and cling desperately, we will inevitably suffer, for we are trying to make a dam in the river’s flow. The idea is good, the idea is illuminating, but the stream of thought flows on further, and who is to say what incredible places it may lead to.

I’ve been reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead. It is the Tibetan Buddhist sacred text that prepares the living soul for the “intermediate state” immediately following death in which the soul encounters all of the illusions of reality (Buddhist don’t use the word “soul”, but in our Western mentality, it allows us to make a close enough connection to their far more abstract language describing our inner essence.) Well, most souls are not prepared for death, and in this intermediate state, they encounter negative illusions brought forth by all of the anxieties and pains they have clung to their entire lives. They are sucked back down the vortex in their fear and anger and birthed back into the ongoing cycle of karma, trapped in samsara, reincarnated in our cyclic existence. What the Tibetan Book of the Dead attempts to do is prepare the soul for this intermediate state so that it may transcend beyond the negative illusions trying to bring it down and finally be liberated into union with the meditational deities living in the realm beyond. I figure it’s a good thing to try out.

I gotta say, this year has been great. I’ve learned so much about myself and other people. I’ve connected to High School students in a way I could have never imagined. There is too much to tell… I wish I could find a way to share it all with you. Lately, so many students keep asking me if I’m staying, hoping that I am. It is flattering to hear from them. They are so honest… they tell me that they want me to stay and that they like having me around. My freshmen tell me that they love my class. Today, we were talking about the “muse,” the ancient sources of artistic inspiration, and since I had my guitar in class, I told the class that it was time to summon the muse. I told them to lay down a beat, and a kid started beat-boxing a cool rhythm. I felt the rhythm and started jamming in Bminor blues, spontaneously, randomly. More kids started to get into it. By the time the jam session was coming to a close, most of the kids in class were contributing something to the rhythm, whether it was pounding on desks, making noises, or just moving and flowing with it. We ended and everyone cheered. There was a connection we cultivated that is none other than God’s presence so often unseen. So fun… so fun.

Nine days before spring break. I’m going to San Diego. Hooray!

Inspiration is all around us guys. It is spontaneous, and it takes an effort, a willingness, and openness. You all have it, you just gotta find it in you. I’ve got my ways of finding it, but those aren’t your ways. Life is not about closing off opportunities; it is about freeing them, opening up to them, embracing them. Yes, each moment is an infinite series of opportunities… and each moment is far too magnificent and important to pass them up. Don’t waste away your life, now is not the time for that… now is the time to embrace it all and drink it in. Find your passion! Go get some!